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  • Death by Golfcart

    Part One: Golf (Cart) Mania

    Note: No relation to reality

    This is fiction… (think “Caddyshack“)

    The professional had been retired for more than a decade. He had been on his own personal golf course for the previous twelve hours with various friends. Deeper in the night, it was just a business friend and he and he were on a drinking spree. No other drugs. Just various whiskys, ice, and soda water… don’t forget the bucket of lemons…

    I doubt they paid the lemons much attention… But previously they had paid attention to several… ummm… female friends (who had since been sent away by Uber)…

    The friend was an Italian guy from Queens… who made his fortune in women’s lingerie… He got out of the business and became an alchoholic… So the two were riding around the course in absolute insanity…

    Part Two: Golf, Fun, and Stupidity

    Around two am, the two began to set up a “ramp” where they could (in their brilliant minds) jump over a sandtrap… They knocked boards off a shed in the nearby woods, took a bunch of old cart tires stacked up next to it, and made a structure they were proud of… After they created theirmasterpiece, they lay (layed) on the green and drank from a bottle of rare Scotch whisky…

    Part Three: The Jump

    As you may recall, the individuals involved in this event (and they will remain nameless) constructed a ramp to “pass over” a sandtrap on a golf cart… i.e being airbourne and to land on the opposite side.

    The event ocurred between three and four am on the date provided… And the attempt was successful…

    Yet the cart was damaged… The left side of the vehicle was “out of whack”…

    Both the professional and his colleage were not injured…

    Their next idea was to procur another cart from the clubhouse… And so it was, and so they did…

    Part Four: After the Jump

    The two drunk men ambled to another cart on the lot. They selected.

    They loaded their “supplies” (with a fresh cooler of ice and lemons) in search of new adventures across the eighteen holes and perhaps beyond…

    Then something happened (to be continued)

    And someone died

    Bless the living

    For the dead

    need not the offerings

    of this Earth…

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  • The Jackhammer

    The Jackhammer

    The jackhammer began its insane choppy drone at eight am on Sunday morning. What a relief. On Saturday, it was seven am. Now coffee. Now tolerance. And this is the ‘Land of the Morning Calm’. I beg to differ. This is the “Land of the Painful Hangover”.

    But this distinction does not belong to Korea alone. All across the world people drink in social places or alone or on cruise ships, and even in prisons. Well, as nature demands, we wake up with nausea and odd forms of headache and anxiety. Pardon the cliche: “Pay the fiddler.”

    But the jackhammers (so much concrete to crush) and the barkers selling goods on bongo pick-up trucks, well, they get up quite early in the morning, and they multiply the deleterious effects exponentially. Thus jackhammers and bongos are to be avoided by most drinking folk.

    Then came Monday. Along came the jackhammers at 6:43 am. At 6:44, I heard a muffled cry. I looked at my bed table clock and it was 6:45. No jackhammer.

    I fell on the floor and spilled an open bottle of water. Picked myself up and looked out the window. I saw a flash. Black like silk in rain. I Shook my head and went back to bed. Waiting for the cacophony.

    Nothing. And in seconds there was the humming of cicadas in the early summer morning. Bewildered, I got up and made coffee. Often looking out my window.

    The next day, Tuesday, nothing woke me up. In fact, I was late for work. And I was happy. Since this day, at least in my neighborhood, this day had been a “Land of Morning Calm”. No jackhammers, no barkers, only the sweet sounds of bird songs, light traffic, and cicadas.

    But I’m sure the jackhammers and morning barkers in bongo trucks will return. I only hope the mysterious figure will return as well. Until then, all is like a ship on calm water in an uncharted sea. What winds will come to soothe or ruin our wonderful mornings. No one knows.

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